The arms that rocked me

As is always fitting on a bright Mother's Day Sunday, Pastor Don preached a message all about mothers today. He quoted from an old poem, you may have heard it: The Hand that Rocks the Cradle. 

It got me thinking about those hands who did so much more than just rock a cradle. They cleaned, they bandaged wounds, they caressed my hair, they taught me to crochet, they showed me how to knead bread, they held my own as we walked down the street. Those arms held me tight on countless occasions, from the rocking chair when I was a child unable to sleep, to the floor when I collapsed in distress, to the airport as I left home... and they are always open to me. 

Those hands that I know so well, always moving, always busy, always fulfilling another need. Those hands and the woman to who they belong have taught me well. About life and love and faith; about work and rest and play; about tears and joys and pain; about gentleness and strength and endurance. 

This Mother's Day, I am thanking God for those hands, those hands who have influenced countless lives besides my own and which I hope to one day be able to mimic with my own. 

Reflections: on leaving and returning and home

And wherever I wander - the one thing I've learned
It's to here - I will always....always return 

After two days of traveling, I have indeed returned to the Hole. The place this all started. The place that now has as a tight a hold on me as my hometown, a place I call home. But it's not as easy as that because I have another place that more surely is my home and will always be. But, well as people say, home is where the heart is, but what if your heart is in two places? 

I had the oddest feeling today as I drove away from my family, from BC, from Canada. For much of the trip, I felt that I was leaving, wandering away from home and all that I love. But then funnily I also felt that I was returning, coming home to a place just as beautiful and full of people that I love as well. 

I don't really know how to sort out all these things but I feel like Bryan Adam's song from Spirit applies oddly to two places for me. Of Abbotsford  and Jackson I can say that wherever I wander, I'm pretty sure I will always return to these places again sometime.

I hear the wind across the plain
A sound so strong - that calls my name
It's wild like the river - it's warm like the sun
Ya it's here - this is where I belong
Under the starry skies - where eagles have flown
This place is paradise - it's the place I call home
The moon on the mountains
The whisper through the trees
The waves on the water
Let nothing come between this and me 

Cuz everything I want - is everything that's here
And when when we're all together - there's nothing to fear
And wherever I wander - the one thing I've learned

It's to here, I will always return

 I feel my name called from both Wyoming and British Columbia, the starry skies, the moon on the mountains, the waves on the water - its a description of both my homes. And both of these places offer me things that I want, need and love. And so, I'm learning that my home can be more than one place, though my family will always have the strongest pull on me, there is Someone who has more say than all my feelings and callings and longings and that is my heavenly Father. He determines my home and location day-by-day. For now, it's back in Jackson and I praise Him for giving me the opportunity to return, and I will praise Him again when I head back...home.

Reflections: the Bride, the Groom, the Purpose

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
And it binds you to me
It's a mystery 

(Beloved, Tenth Avenue North)

I recently attended my cousin's wedding, actually I was given the honour of standing up with her as a bridesmaid on that perfectly beautiful day. As I marveled at God's blessing in given us such amazing weather, reveling in the warmth of the sun on my face and shoulders after so many days of clouds and rain; 

as I looked out at all the smiling audience gathered to celebrate the uniting of two people; as I glanced over at the nervous groom awaiting his bride; as I joined everyone in turning to see our first glimpse of my stunning cousin walk down the staircase, eyes following her slowly up the aisle, her face fairly glowing with joy; as I listened to the teaching from Scripture, the vows of promise, the declaration of a new couple become one...I was impressed with the truths of God symbolized in the marriage of a man and woman. 

Though these things were not spoken of explicitly, after learning the depth of meaning there is in marriage at JHBC, I could think of little else. God has blessed me with a great memory and a joy of learning which allowed me to really soak up Pastor Don's message on marriage back in September. This being my first wedding since then, it all came rushing back and I was struck again at the wonder of God's plan. Back in Genesis 1 when God created man, it was in His image - both male and female. I find it fascinating how this image of God is not complete without BOTH man and woman. A man has certain characteristics of God (protection, leadership, wisdom, guidance etc.) and a woman has certain characteristics (nurturing, compassion, mercy etc.) and only together do they portray the complete image of God. Both are equal, both are valuable and because the woman came from a man, they have the potential to be united. It is interesting to note that the woman was obviously in the plan since God didn't have to remake Adam when He created Eve. Eve was created for Adam, God gave her to Adam, just as the father gives away the bride today in our wedding ceremonies. 

The roles of husband and wife in marriage are also so amazing to think about because of the truths they display to the world about Jesus and the church. Wives are called to submit to their husbands, not all men, but to their own husbands (Eph. 5: 22) as they submit to Christ. As a symbol of the church, which is in submission to Christ, "wives ought to be to their husbands in everything" (Eph. 5:24). And husbands, in turn, as a picture of Christ are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. It is a such a beautiful picture, the husband, the head of the marriage, but giving up everything for his wife as Christ gave up Himself for the church; and the wife, willingly and joyfully living in submission to her husband (so long as this submission matches submission to Christ). 

Now, I'm not married so I don't really know what that kind of relationship is like, but I am a child of God, part of His church and in submission to Christ. I have been blessed to receive His love for me, His life for mine and am learning each day to subject myself to Him.  I praise God for giving us the picture of marriage, for blessing me with so many wonderful married couples as examples in my life and for being my Beloved, my Saviour, and the One who sanctifies me. 

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless. 

            Ephesians 5:25-27

And so as the wedding went on, this is what was in my mind and I was blessed by these reflections on how God has purpose and meaning for everything, every aspect of our lives. I was also a little saddened because, as we all know, for the most part, these beautiful truths are not displayed or lived out in our world today. Women do not like to be submissive to anybody and men are often not an example of any kind of love, nevermind a self-sacrificing Christ-like love. Marriage has been attacked so much and perverted into something that it is not. It is easy to be cynical about it, but God created marriage and it is a beautiful thing when lived out the way He planned it.

Reflections: Sunrise, sunset

Sunrise, sunset
Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly fly the years
One season following another
Laden with happiness and tears

It's officially one week until graduation. 

Last night, I was lying in bed, not sleeping, thinking too much. I cried.

It seems fitting that this year should end the way it began - with tears. 

Reflecting back on the beginning, it is unbelievable what God has done in my life this year. Take a trip with me, back to August 2010...

It's not like I was going to a foreign country, I mean, ya it's the US, but growing up 10 minutes from the Washington border, it's not much different from home. Perhaps, it was the four day trip, stretching out mile after mile, that made it seem as if I was pretty much leaving the solar system. I remember staring out the window those long hours on the road, seeing the landscape change, feeling like I was making a huge mistake as my heart kept squeezing and I felt more and more sick. Watching my family drive away, down that long dirt road on Aug. 26 was the worst moment of my life (little did I know it was really the beginning of the best year of my life!). I felt completely alone, abandoned and scared. I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to stay and there was no way I was going to quit but it was a huge thing for me. I remember Jen was there to give me a hug and Jessica came out and hugged me too. I spent that first day gulping for air as if trying to stay above the flood waters of my own tears. The first week wasn't much better, I felt so unknown, if that makes any sense. I was quiet, reserved, just trying to keep from bursting into tears in my insecurity. I would get through each day, slowly opening up, like a reluctant flower in the spring (...well, spring where I come from...there seems to be a lack of that generally natural phenomenon in this area...). I would barely eat because I was so emotional (that changed fast enough). It was a few days before I could go without crying at night, just because I felt so alone and insecure.

Looking back on that girl at the beginning of the year, I barely recognize her. I understand her though, and it's odd because I can almost feel those same emotions again as I think back on them. I've always been an emotional person - like REALLY emotional. This can show itself in being super dramatic, outgoing, giggly, passionate...or it can be expressed in anger, tears or extreme quietness...Perhaps some day I will level out (which will probably make life easier for everyone). Anyways, at the symbolic "sunset" of my year here, I can only look back on those days with appreciation for what God has done and how He totally pulled me through. I always knew He would and that is the only reason I could even think of coming here. I would go through those hard days over and over again to experience the blessing I have had this year at JHBC. Jackson has become like a second home to me, these people have become my family and it hurts too  much to think of leaving them. I may see them again, but it will never be like this. These 9 months were a gift from God which I will never forget and will never cease to praise Him for.

Time for the next season...