Looking Forward

The year 2014 was the hardest year of my life. And even though it's already four days into the new year, it doesn’t feel like it has truly ended because all the things that made 2014 hard, haven't gone away. I wanted to honestly reflect on the past year, to write and remember what it was, so that maybe I can grow and learn and move past. And maybe, just maybe, one day in a future that I can’t imagine ever arriving, I will be able to look back on the words I wrote this January and see how God has brought healing and answers, shown His faithfulness and sovereignty. Maybe I will be able to see my own weakness better, in the light of His strength, and I pray I will see that I have grown. 

But those reflections are my own, not for the world to see. Instead, I'm writing this post more to look ahead to this new year than to dwell on the old.

Looking forward, to 2015, I have made some goals this new year, whether you want to call them resolutions, hopes, dreams, desires, or merely challenges that I am putting to myself, I have made them for real – for the first time. I’ve always kind of laughed at resolution making, because I find myself naturally pessimistic and too practical. Nobody really keeps those resolutions anyways right? It takes more than a great New Years Eve party to make a real commitment. 

But for the past month of December, I have been thinking about some goals I have for myself in the next year, some things I really want to do. I know I have a better chance of following through if I write them down and tell others, and keep them forefront instead of letting them be forgotten until next December when I realized I have failed to accomplish them. Some of my goals are specific, some of them are more vague intentions, some I haven’t completely figured out or decided on, but here they are:

• Finish one book each month. This doesn’t mean from start to finish necessarily. This is more a goal to finish up all these half-started books I have laying around. It is aggravating and disappointing to have these bookmarked pages silently shouting at me in all their unfinished incompleteness. It’s time to get them read.
• Run a half marathon. With the partnership of my favourite running friend, my sister and I will hopefully complete this goal in May of this year. Starting next week, the training begins!
• Memorize a book of the Bible – undecided yet on which one… something short and doable, something to really dig into and commit to heart, and hopefully to have forever after
• Be intentional with relationships, especially with those whom I wish to build into. Be more sacrificial with my time and money, in order to encourage, listen to, and KNOW others.

I potentially want to add "blogging more" to that list... but I don't want to be unrealistic. I haven't blogged on here for a year and though I would like to, I (pessimistically) don't see myself making the time on a regular basis, however much I want to. I do hope to write some short reviews for each book I complete however - so maybe that will happen. 

On a positive note, I have to mention that I have several events to look forward to this year with much anticipation including a missions trip to Thailand, new babies in the family, three weddings, and running that half marathon. Looking forward, it really does seem like it could be an exciting year. 

But honestly, I’m afraid of 2015. I have learned that life can change in an instant and sometimes that change doesn’t go away or even get easier or any better at all. Sometimes time doesn't heal and understanding never comes. I have realized again that I have no control, and yet I still act as if I do and I repeatedly try to take it. In 2015 I anticipate being put in my place again and again and again. I anticipate more struggle and pain and failure.

But I also anticipate hope and reassurance and victory. I anticipate joy and purpose and love. I look forward to growth and new life and peace. Because Jesus. 

My blessed Jesus makes no mistakes! When we see all His meaning, we shall then understand, what now we can only trustfully believe, that all is well - best for us, best for the cause most dear to us, best for the good of others and the glory of God.  

John G. Paton